More Trash Than You Can Shove Into George Bush’s Cowboy Hat

bulldozer1.jpgWell another Christmas has come and gone here at the Gathen residence and yet again my theory that those who celebrate Hanukkah (I believe it is those of the Jewish faith) have got the right idea. Now, admittedly my working knowledge of Judaism comes from Adam Sandler songs, a viewing of Fiddler on the Roof in 11th grade and getting to chapter 14 in Chaim Potok’s The Chosen, but let me just say that Christianity could learn a thing or two from the tradition of spreading out holiday gift giving over a well-paced 8 days versus cramming the entirety of it into a single holy day of snowflake wrapping paper, unnecessarily taped boxes, batteries not included, choking hazard, lead paint recall noise noise noise.

Our entire downstairs has become a tribute to good old fashion American gluttony and waste production; and because at 14 months old Adam is still in what pediatricians and infant experts (sometimes referred to as people without children) refer to as the Natural Disaster Stage we have been forced to move all gifts not intended for Adam to dry land (stacked on tables, balanced on counter tops, hidden behind a wall of sandbags piled in the foyer) in defense against his unforgiving flood of toddlerism.

bush_cowboy-hat.jpgAlso, we have a 40 gallon garbage container outside our home; this is equivalent to the size of President Bush’s cowboy hats. Normally, we only fill it half-way each week before it’s rummaged through by paparazzi then picked up from our curb by a waste removal truck, but yesterday alone produced enough refuse to overflow it. Kathleen and I are considering asking Jack to stand on top of the bags to compress them and make room for more, but we think that there might be one of those insatiable slimy creatures that nearly eats Luke Skywalker in the trash compactor on the Death Star lurking in it. If I remember correctly it’s either called a Dianoga or George Lucas.

This doesn’t even take into account the precarious tower of flattened boxes and packaging in the dining room. We’re debating whether it will be easier to open our own cardboard recycling plant rather than breaking the boxes down and lugging them to the curb. Another option is to make furniture out of them.

Regrettably and mercifully, I must cut this post short to introduce our Redneck, White Trash, Blue Collar (can’t get more Patriotic than that) ancestry to Jack by bringing him to WWE Wrestling tonight. The pyrotechnics, fake blood and pulled punches begin at 7:30 but I understand there’s a “Make Your Own Misspelled Sign” Workshop starting at 6:30.

Nock’em Ded Undertacker!

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15 thoughts on “More Trash Than You Can Shove Into George Bush’s Cowboy Hat

  1. I think they should make Ocean’s Fourteen based on breaking into a Barbie Doll box…

    Have fun at wrestling. I woke my ex up on the morning I went into labor with our first baby and made him go watch the WWF tape he’d rented at Blockbuster the night before. We returned it on the way to the hospital… 🙂

  2. I used to watch WWF when they had wrestlers like Dick the Bruiser, the Crusher, and the Baron. Now those were the days. I just know they didn’t use any fake blood or punches….. LOL Baron Von Roshkey lives close to me. (I know I misspelled his last name)

    I know Jack will be a big help getting rid of all the debris left over from your big day….. LOL

    Jan

  3. Dude, that slimy thing in the trash compactor?

    Han – “I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”

    I didn’t even know it had a name! Is it really called a Dianoga? I love this blog…I learn stuff. Hee.

    Oh yeah, my house is a wreck too, and for some reason the kids just don’t get the meaning of the phrase “Will you please take all your crap get it out of my living room and put it in your room?” We’re getting back to order, but very, very slowly. I don’t have a toddler, but Hurricane Kylie does her own special sort of damage. 🙂

  4. Ah….yes. The disaster toddler….we call ours Destructo boy. Even at 10 months we must hide everything. Though he does like the empty boxes….so that keeps him busy for about 5 seconds.
    Glad you had a good Christmas. Have fun at WWE.

  5. I was just as excited as Christmas morning when the Recycling and Trash guys took ALL of our stuff from the curb just half an hour ago… 4 piles of cardboard and newspaper, 3 garbage bags, 2 recycling boxes and the Partridge family busload of shredded wrapping that came from under the Christmas tree.

  6. See, we didn’t wrap all the kids stuff in an effort to be environmentally friendly and save the mess. In fact, we unpacked it all and set it up so they could play straight away 😉

  7. 8 nights of presents would just be too “everything in moderation” for me. I want to stay up all night on Christmas Eve, cursing and throwing things in anger and exhaustion. I want to have a big huge climax of presents flying and exploding their happy goodness all over the living room, and I want to have a huge gluttonous pig fest of stuffing my facehole with yummy goodness all day.

    Then, the next day, I can fall into a depressive stupor and refuse to leave the couch, in denial of the wreck that the house has become.

    I WANT TO LIVE, DAMNIT!

    I’m sorry. I still don’t have meds.

  8. One year before my daughter was born, my wife and I exchanged one Christmas present a night for about a week. I’m not sure why we did it–maybe because we were so excited to share what we’d bought (ahh young love). Anyway, it didn’t work for us…but maybe we needed more practice at it.

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