Jack’s Elementary School has determined that best way to communicate with the parents of their kindergartners is to send home all 26 volumes of the Warren Report in each child’s backpack at the end of the school day. The daily correspondence, besides irrefutable evidence and witness testimony that Oswald acted alone, varies from day to day but could include calendars of school and community activities that I have no intention of attending or participating in, weekly homework assignments that I have full intention of doing either with Jack or on his behalf to assure his early academic success, and innumerable Scholastic Books flyers (the K- 5 equivalent to Columbia House and BMG Music) peddling overpriced books I have no intention of purchasing.
When Jack hops off the school bus each afternoon he’s forced to lean forward at nearly a 45 degree angle just to counter balance the weight of the paper stuffed into his Spiderman backpack. Most days he can hardly make it to the porch without collapsing from his burden of class work and in-class projects updates, notices, assignments, PTSA newsletters and promotional materials; the seams on his bag straining like Jennifer Love Hewitt’s bikini bottom. Normally, we’ll flip quickly through the sheets and 86 a majority of them, but a few weeks ago among the papers we discovered a CD of 10 songs called “Kindergarten – Play Everyday”. It should have been called “Kindergarten – Play Once Then Use as a Drink Coaster”.
We have no idea whether this CD was given to each child as a gift or to Jack alone as some act of retribution but no expense or Federal resource should be spared in either locating and destroying every copy and bringing the people responsible for producing it to trial or in adapting it into a Broadway Musical starring Mathew Broderick, Sebastian Bach, and Frenchie Davis. Until complete product annihilation, the grand jury convenes or next year’s Tony Awards occur though here are the 10 borderline perverted songs, possibly produced by Gary Glitter, with sample lyrics that have plagued our house.
1. Family Team – “Some teams have a mom and dad, some just have a mom, some families have a lot a kids and some have only one, there’s uncles, aunts and cousins, grandmas and grandpas too, and Uncle Joe no one knows who he’s related to.” So, there’s some strange guy hanging around during, birthdays, major holidays and family picnics and no one is sure who he is and which side of the family he’s on and everyone’s OK with that? Uhhhh…..can anyone say registered sex offender?
2. 15 Ways to Stay out of Trouble – “I know 15 ways to stay out of trouble, stay out of trouble, stay out of trouble. I know 15 ways to stay out of trouble and keep my great body safe… Twelve! Don’t let people in your door, unless they are friends of yours” On second though, don’t let Uncle Joe in the House either.
3. My Body is Special – “Everybody has a body and my body is a special one. I keep my great body healthy and safe” You want to keep your great body healthy and safe stay the hell away from Uncle Joe
4. I Don’t Feel so Good – “I don’t feel so good, no I don’t feel so good. My nose is all runny my tummy hurts too. My mommy says that I have something called flu.” Either that or you’re going through heroin withdrawal.
5. A Party in Cool Dudes Tummy – “ What’s that you’re eating Cool Dude? A CANDY BAR! Did you have lunch? NO I DON’T WANT LUNCH I’M JUST GOING TO EAT CANDY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! But Cool Dude, every part of your great body needs good food, not junk food. Look, I’ve got an idea. We’ll play a game. You be the cheese and I’ll be the bread. Willy be the peanut butter jelly spread. Suzy be an apple and make yourself yummy and we’ll all have a party in cool dude’s tummy.” Will the proper authorities please serve a warrant to search the hard drive of this guy’s computer immediately?
6. Clean Cowboy – “He gets dirty, he gets dusty, but when the rodeo’s through, he goes home and gets in his shower and sings this song to you. Well I’m a clean cowboy, just a clean cowboy, I like a clean, clear western breeze, a clean horse between my knees, so hand me the soap please, because I’m a clean cowboy.” I could make any number of inappropriate Brokeback Mountain references here, but honestly how is this guy not under investigation?
7. Pediatrician – “I’m a Pediatrician, a pediatrician P-E-D-I-A-T-R-I-C-I-A-N, I am not a magician, but with your permission, I can do some things no other person can.” You need Representation, yes Representation R-E-P-R-E-S-E-N-T-A-T-I-O-N.
8. No Drugs! No Way! – “There’s a big kid with a paper bag who hangs around my school, he says Try This it’s really fun he thinks he’s really cool.” Soooo….where’d you say this kid was hanging out? Do you think he’s still there?
9. Just One Tongue – “I’ve got two eyes and two ears, 10 fingers and toes, two eyes and two ears, two nostrils in my nose, two hands and two feet, but what I want to know, is how come I’ve got just one tongue?” When I was dating twins I asked myself that question all the time kid.
10. Play Everyday – “I go to the playground with your mother.” I don’t care if you’re 5 years old, them’s fighting words.
If your kindergartener comes home with this CD in their backpack I urge you to destroy it immediately (the CD not your child) and call the police. Meanwhile, I’m going to find that kid with the paper bag.