What ever happened to the days when kids weren’t allergic to anything? It wasn’t that long ago, was it? The only memory of allergies I have growing up as the undisputed undefeated fastest kid in Saddlewood Elementary School not to mention habitual first or second teammate picked on dodge ball days in gym class and, most importantly, producer of the girlfriend repellent pheromone was when in third grade Mike Dickinson didn’t want to participate in Arts and Crafts Time so he gnawed on the back of his hand and claimed he was allergic to felt.
It seems kids nowadays though are allergic to everything; especially peanuts. Back in the 70’s we (that would be everyone but me) used to have what were called “Skippy Parties” in the woods behind the school, but now if it wasn’t bad enough that we have scour the ingredients labels of the snacks we send to school with Jack everyday for peanuts or peanut oils, we just found out as a preventive measure the district is removing any reference to George Washington Carver from the curriculum.
Even though scientists are at a loss to explain to the increased prevalence of peanut allergies in this generation of children, I for one place the blame squarely on our 39th President Liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter. “Why Jimmy Carter?” you may ask, to which I will simply reply, “Peanut Farmer.”
Fact: Did you know that that the first case of peanut allergies wasn’t reported in the United States until 1981; the year after Carter’s term ended? (This is not a fact) Fact: Reported cases of peanut allergies in children of parents who were born during the Carter era is 100 times higher than children of parents who were born while a Republican President held office. (This number is not based on legitimate research) Still don’t believe me? (You shouldn’t)
The most startling fact is that not a single case of peanut allergies has occurred in children whose parents hold conservative political views or are registered republican voters. This has led many experts to deduce that peanut allergies are merely a physical manifestation of children rejecting the liberal views of their parents. Itching and Redness just means that your child wants you to stop supporting same sex unions and gay marriages. Shortness of Breath is your child’s way of saying that your stance on immigration is a threat to traditional American customs and values. Full blown anaphylactic shock and you better get your ass behind the President’s War on Terror.
Until recently the only allergy we’ve had to manage with the boys was a strawberry allergy with Jack that was diagnosed when he was an infant. After he broke out in massive hives while eating a jar of Strawberry Apple Banana Baby Food we were paranoid about letting anything containing Strawberries even get close to him. All ingredient labels were checked thoroughly before an item was purchased. He was not allowed to play with Strawberry Shortcake or any of her friends including Angel Cake, Ginger Snap and Coco Calypso while over his friend Paige’s house. We didn’t even allow him to listen to The Beatles Magical Mystery Tour Album, well at least not side two anyway. The doctor said that he would probably outgrow this allergy by the time he was five, and though he did outgrow it another far more serious allergy took its place; coincidentally enough developing on his fifth birthday.
While helping me blow up balloons for his party he experienced a sudden and unprecedented reaction that caused his eyes to swell up and his lips to puff worse than Jessica Simpson’s in the recovery room of a Hollywood Collagen Clinic. After bringing him to the allergist then to have his blood drawn and tested the results came back that he is highly-allergic to latex. Now, my initial reaction was that I know of three things that are made of latex 1) Balloons – which meant I had to keep him away from clowns and loans that do not fully amortize over the term of the note 2) Gloves –since he’s still 35 years away from his first prostate exam I figured this was low risk 3) Condoms – To which I’m handling by playing a loop of me saying “The best form of birth control is abstinence” while he’s asleep. But did you know that more than entertainers for kid’s parties, proctologists and those who practice safe sex have to worry about latex allergies?
Latex, it turns out, is in practically everything. The rubber bands we use to secure the cabinets so Adam doesn’t dump the garbage on the kitchen floor or drink a Resolve Carpet Cleaner Cocktail – Latex. The hundreds of Spiderman, Batman, and Superman Band-aids in the upstairs’ medicine cabinet – Latex. The nipples for Adam’s baby bottles – Latex. Apparently human nipples have trace amounts of latex in them as well. Adhesive tape, diapers, garden hoses and pencil erasers – Latex. Even shoe soles and video game joysticks have latex in them. We are living in a Latex World and that includes Inflatable Girls and since my son’s allergic to a Latex World I got rid of my Inflatable Girl.
We briefly considered sealing him in a protective and sterile bubble, like John Travolta when he portrayed David Vetter in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble AND when he converted to Scientology, but it turns out both the protective bubble and E-Meters are made out of Latex. With complete isolation out of the question and our copy of Dianetics already a week overdue, the best we can do is inform the school of Jack’s allergy, rid the house of as much Latex as we can and teach Jack what he can and can’t come into contact with.
We even carry an Epi-Pen with us now in case Jack has an extreme reaction to Latex and goes into Anaphylactic shock. Unfortunately, Jack thinks that anytime he touches latex though we’re going to jam a needle into him, like John Travolta when he jabs Uma Thurman with an adrenaline shot directly to her heart in the movie Pulp Fiction OR when she eventually converts to Scientology.
I can’t help but think I’m somehow to blame for his latex allergy though. I mean, I did vote for Bill Clinton in both 1992 and 1996.