Whether believers see the erect penis of Siddhartha Gautama the Awakened One or the silhouette of Waldo Weatherbee the principal of fictional Riverdale High School the recently discovered water stain has become not only a source of inspiration and hope but a powerful reminder of the how objects bearing an image that might be a religious figure or a beloved comic book character can serve as a divisive element between groups who traditionally follow the convictions of peace, love and frolicking high school hijinx.
Thousands of Buddhist Monks and Archie Comic enthusiasts are flocking to the upstate New York home of famed blogger and former Jiffy Lube attendant Bill Gathen to pray to, weep before or to just catch a glimpse of what has quickly become perhaps the most famous water stain in recorded history.
Upon discovering the watermark early Monday morning Mr. Gathen immediately contacted the Institute for Water Stains, Comic Books and Religious Iconography. “It was like that picture of the vase that also looks like two faces or maybe something more like a Rorschach Test.” said the devastatingly handsome writer. “When I first saw it on the panel of the porch I saw that principal from the Archie comics, but the longer I stared at it I began to see a fat Buddha statue with a boner.”
“It’s a fantastic specimen. One that can not even be surpassed by the Virgin Mary on the wall of the Chicago underpass, the Virgin Mary toasted cheese sandwich or even the Shower Jesus piece of plaster from a Pittsburgh men’s bathroom.” gushed Institute representative Dr. Mitch Cumstein. “For one stain to simultaneously look like a fully aroused Buddha and Principal Weatherbee, or The Bee as we are referring to him at the Institute, indicates a higher power is at work here. A power far beyond our comprehension.”
By noon on Monday thousands of pilgrims had already arrived and by 3:00 two distinct and contentious camps had formed around the holy vision. While the Buddhists draped in their monastic robes knelt reverently before the image, the Archie fanatics, some dressed as Archie, Betty, Veronica, Reggie and other classic characters, played Frisbee while one Jughead complete with a crown-shaped beanie tried to eat a “Colossal Burger”; a burger made up of 16 different burgers.
“It’s obviously Principal Weatherbee!” proclaimed 53 year old Richard Martin of Green Bay, Wisconsin dressed as Marmaduke “Moose” Mason “This is a sign. Waldo’s telling us that we’ve strayed from the path of Riverdale’s Utopian ideals. We’ve lost our way.”
One Tibetan Monk named Genyen, which means Approaching Virtue, broke his vow of silence taken over 40 years ago to say, “Are you freaking kidding me? Look at it! It’s clearly the Enlightened One with a hard-on. How can you not see that?”
The debate may be short-lived though as the forecast in the Northeast is calling for storms. Nevertheless, Mr. Gathen has pledged to somehow preserve the image and auction it off on eBay. “One of the monks told me that the Virgin Mary toast sold for like $28,000 on eBay. You can see James Gandolfini with a pole vault for all I care, I’m not taking less than 50 grand for this baby.”