Pain Don’t Hurt But My Tescalators Are In The Frigible

road_house.jpgHere is an idea pilfered from Sarcastic Mom called Thursday 13. In a yellow notebook I keep jammed in the front pocket of my computer bag I scribble events and ideas down, some good and some not, which I plan to eventually write about. Here are 13 of them that I will never write about or play with so this Thursday 13 is where they have come to die, or to live for one more day depending on how you look at it. Bless your soul if you make it through this mélange of misfit posts

1. Adam turning it to 55 for Roadhouse: Over the weekend Kathleen was paging through the TV Guide and saw that our favorite bad movie of all time Roadhouse with the legendary Patrick “Nobody puts Baby in a Corner” Swayze was on Spike. I told her I didn’t want to lose the next two hours of my life and I wasn’t sure which channel Spike was anyway. Adam, our 1 year old, grabbed the remote out of my hand and punched in 5-5 and left it there for a second then punched in 4-5. Kathleen said, “No …wait. What was on 55?” Before I could pry the remote from his 10 digits bear traps he turned it back to 55. It was Spike and Roadhouse was just starting. Pain don’t hurt, but 2 hours of edited for television Patrick Swayze vehicles certainly does.

2. One-upmanship One-Up-Yours-manship: This was going to be about how to deal with over-competitive parents. When some over-bearing stage mother or muscle head sports Dad begins to pull out topper stories every time you mention something about your child, instead of engaging in One-upmanship try One-Up-Yours-manship. Yeah, you pretty much just say Up Yours anytime they speak. It obviously wasn’t much of a gem, but I dropped it as a one-liner in my very first Strollerderby post going up tomorrow (shameless self promotion)

3. Taking the family to Bowman’s Orchards: We fed goats and pigs ears of corn, played on a wooden train, ate cider donuts, Jack had a terrible asthma attack and Adam refused to pose for a picture with a pumpkin. Beyond that the only thing I could have mentioned is that the last time we went to Bowman’s Orchards a 90 year old man driving a tractor pulling a wagon filled with apple pickers ran into and cracked the bumper of my car.

4. The Songs Jack Sings: I’ve recently been questioning the songs Jack has been learning in Kindergarten. Lyrics like, “Going to the pond to wash my clothes, Oh No! My Chicken is gone. Witches come through. One O’clock. One O’ Clock” That’s the song. What the hell does that mean?

5. The meme from Refuse to Blog (7 things): Lisa from Refuse to Blog tagged me for a 7-things Meme where I think I’m supposed to tell 7 random weird facts about myself. I know I’m doing this wrong Lisa, but it’s either now or never. 1) I’ve got two gargoyle tattoos on my back 2) I’ve run 3 marathons in my life my best time was 2 hours and 52 minutes. 3) I was once arrested for climbing the scaffolding on the outside of a church – yes I was drunk 4) I was once caught shoplifting when I was 12 at a drug store. The item I tucked into the front pocket of my Izod nylon pullover? A bag of Razzles the hard candy that turns into gum 5) My first kiss was at Ann Lee Pond after ice skating. I was in 8th grade and the girl was Karen Hudechek. 6) For my 8th grade “How-To” speech I did How To Lip Synch and Lip Synched Prince’s When Doves Cry in front of my entire English class. Karen broke up with me the next day. 7) In High School I was into break dancing and rap. My break dancing/Rapper name was M.C. Shadoe. My best moves were the worm and the robot. Maybe someday I’ll post one of my raps, but only if I’m drunk posting.

6. Bored children on the beach can build anything: I noticed at the beach this summer that every time Jack and I started building something, a castle, a rock wall, a hole in the sand, we immediately had offers for help from a half dozen bored kids looking for something to do. The gist of this post was going to be that scientists recently discovered that the pyramids, Stonehenge and Easter Island were really constructed by bored kids looking for something to do on vacation. Yes…I know it’s lame which is why I putting out on the curb.

7. Man without a bed: For a stretch of a few weeks 2-3 months ago I was falling asleep on the couch, waking up and going to bed, moving to sleep with Jack in his bed when Adam woke up and Kathleen brought him to bed with us and then around 4:00am going back down to the couch to get up at 6:00am. It was just a musical chairs scenario that worked itself out.

8. Nana’s bouncing on the knee: When Jack was a baby Nana would bounce him on her knee to the theme of Bonanza. Adam though she bounces on her knee to marching band tunes. Puppet shows, musical goats, marching band songs? Nana sounds like a David Lynch movie.

9. Jack’s Business Model: Jack hates that I go to work everyday more than I do I think. One day he came to me and said, “Daddy, why do you go to work?” I told him to make money. “How about this Daddy. You give them 4 quarters and they’ll give you a dollar. Then you give them another 4 quarters and they’ll give you another dollar. And then you can come home.” That’s not making money so much as it’s making change though Jack. I wonder if he thinks I work at an arcade.

10. Tescalators in the Frigible: Driving home from New Jersey with Kathleen and her mother the air conditioner was on in the car and Jack said from the back seat, “It feels like my tescalators are in the frigible.” He still calls his boys tescalators and the refrigerator is still the frigible.

11. Indoor mini-golf: I took him to play mini-golf at an indoor mini-golf place. It was glow in the dark. We played Mortal Combat afterwards. Good times then, boring post here.

12. “That” Dad: “That” Dad is the annoying clown prince of parents who, at ever get-together, gathering, party, and play date engorges his delicate ego by ignoring the adults at the party to play with all the kids instead. While the rest of us Dads need to listen to “How good so-and-so is with kids.” and “You’re so lucky to have so-and-so as a husband, he must have you and the kids rolling on the floor laughing non-stop.” Or something like that. Hey listen jackass, get off the ground, grab a beer and let the kids play.

13. The NaBloPoMovie: I was going to do a parody trailer to be read in the baritone voice of that guy who does all the action movie trailers “In a time when they said it couldn’t be done, one man proved them wrong.” Blah blah blah … I was going to throw in a NaBloPoMorgan Freeman cameo… I am so glad I did not indulge this horrible idea.

Well, there are 13 posts I will never write and the Interweb is a better place for it. Does anyone have change for a dollar? I don’t feel like going to work tomorrow.

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13 thoughts on “Pain Don’t Hurt But My Tescalators Are In The Frigible

  1. ROFL!!!! I nearly wet myself reading your Meme…M.C. Shadoe? the worm and the robot?…Any chance this was re-surfaced at weddings where video footage may have captured it? If I give you a quarter, will you do it? 🙂

  2. I’m gonna hand Adam the remote and say, “Spice Channel,” and see what happens.

    When Doves Cry? Karen was a fucking moron.

    Tescalators in the frigible? I think I just sharted again, laughing.

    Bill, that should up my SorF rating to at least a 9.5. Sooo hot.

  3. In my world, those WERE 13 absolutely hilarious posts. Hey, I sorta liked P. Swayze before he went ballet on us.
    And that meme rocked… please do post a rap, and maybe one of your break moves …can you do the Running Man? Just don’t bust anything.
    Have fun at the arcade today.

  4. momisodes: It has resurfaced on occasion but never captureed on video. I’m like the Lock Ness Monster of break dancers. Yes, but for two quarters.

    the byrd: I don’t think they do. Nor do they make Izod pullovers in greay nylon either. Sad day.

    Sarcastic mom: I rocked it back in 8th grade. Wore parachute pants and everything. Make sure you post your shart pic this sunday for your ultra-confusing meme. I’ll rank it a 10 to get your score up.

    Lisa: It’s like a Russian nesting doll … a meme inside a meme inside a meme…. or a meme wrapped in a meme inside a meme wrapped in bacon.

    karen: The only think I’ll bust is a move. Ahhh Young MC where have you gone? The nation turns it’s lonely eyes to you. Thanks for the love on all the mini-posts. Some were pretty lame though… even I can admit that.

  5. I still like the bored kids on the beach idea. They were so creepy about it. Kind of like out of a horror movie. You could see them from a mile away slowly sidling up to us, not making eye contact, until at the last second they had to ask “can I help”.
    Please you were the Pied Piper of Maine. You could have whipped that crew into a mini army corps of engineers.

  6. Am I your mom? I also bounce Amos on my knee while singing the “Bonanza” theme song. I also do “The Lone Ranger,” which is actually “The William Tell Overture,” but don’t tell anyone I know that. I really need to get a goat puppet.

    I laughed out loud at the thought of someone lip-synching and doing jazz hands to “When Doves Cry.” Okay, maybe you weren’t doing jazz hands, but in my world, that’s what young Bill Gathen would do.

  7. wife: I agreed to let them help more out of fear than anything else:

    thebutton: neighbors call them tescalators now. Not that we talk about tescalators with the neighbors all that often.

    Whit: After the month is over I’m taking the hidden camera out of the light in the bedroom and filing the trailer. Stay tuned.

    badness: it gets a smile even know when he says it.

    derek: I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to my tescalators.

    imaginary sarah: there were jazz hands. Lots of jazz hands.

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