Can You Catch Crabs From A Horse? Only If it Throws them Underhand.

customerservprior2j.jpgOccasionally I’ll check my blog stats to see what type of interesting, salacious, perverted, questionable, and borderline illegal, terms and phrases people type into search engines to accidentally stumble onto my blog. In many ways I’m disgusted at myself that search phrases such as the ones below result in hits on my site, but if you look at the ways I categorize my posts I suppose I shouldn’t be all that surprised. Then again, on my blog’s busiest day the two top search terms were:

james dean – 164 hits
Rammstein – 42 hits

Two ancillary and obscure references that for some reason drive unexplainable amounts of traffic. Anyway, since it’s Friday night and I’m completely distracted by Adam’s first haircut (future post) and a WWE Smackdown (Jack’s obsession) match between Rey Mysterio and Finley I’m going to use what Chag over at Cynical Dad called his crutch and give you a peek behind the curtain to see what drives traffic to Make it a Double.

(The views and opinions of the search terms expressed below do not necessarily express or reflect the views of Make it a Double. Oh who am I kidding…of course they do)

lap dance after vasectomy

This sounds like a scenario in a method acting class. Mmmm…Oh yeah…that feels good. Real Good…Owww…Owww…OK…easy does it. Yeah…that’s it…shit …not so hard. Come on…what are doing? Grinding coffee beans down there? Come on! Alright…that’s better…Danmit, Oh God…your g-string is caught in the stitches. No…No… Just don’t move, I’ll get it. Alright. Stop it, just stop… this isn’t working. Can you soak you ass in ice for 15 minutes then come back and sit on my lap?

Cleavage to bury your face in
Is there any other type?

Should children be raised to be androgynous
Only if you want them to grow up to record over synthesized 80’s pop tunes.

pulling taffy dance
Many parents call this the pee-pee dance. Others though, including certain politicians, have no name for this dance but perform it in public restrooms by coughing or sneezing, tapping their feet, sometimes under the stall beside them, or making loud zipper noises.

mary lou retton porn
How dare someone defile a national treasure by associating her wholesome name with something as sordid as pornography? I’m sorry, but what is it about dismounts, front hip pullovers, and straddling that suggests sex?

pooping back and forth porn
Are you looking for a dueling banjos type of thing or more of a pong scenario? I think I played this game in the early 80’s. Poop….poop….poop…poop….poop….

have you seen an erect horse penis
Why? Did you lose one?

Can you catch crabs from a horse?
Only if it throws them underhand

Ahh yes the old Southern Turkey Club Back Rub. That comes with fries right? What do you mean fries are extra? Chips? I don’t want chips, chips suck. What about soup? Soup’s extra, too? Really? Can I get a salad instead of the chips? I can? Great, do you have peppercorn Ranch? Regular ranch? What type of massage is this?

geico insurance massage
So easy a poorly written television show destined for early season cancellation can do it. And it doesn’t come with fries.

does he like fingers in his ass
Maybe you should ask him that. Wait…how are you typing this?

slime vagina
I think I remember this scene from Ghostbusters. Bill Murray, Dan Ackroyd, Sigourney Weaver? Whatever you do, do not cross the streams. That would be bad. What was in those containment units? Penicillin?

Colostomy bag adhesive to swim in ocean
Thank you for calling the Colostomy Bag Hotline my name is Devon how can I help you? Good Evening Mister Esposito, how can I… adhesive for your colostomy bag to swim in the ocean? We don’t actually manufacture an adhesive for that…Hmmm? You’re on the beach now. OK, well then I’d try a double-sided adhesive tape, or maybe even duct tape if you have it or… You have duct tape? Now Mr. Esposito we can’t be held responsible for any …. OK …OK …alright then good luck, sir. Let me know how it works out for you.

Colostomy bag sale
Thank you for calling the Colostomy Bag Hotline my name is Devon how can I help you? Hello again Mister Esposito, how did the….Oh I see… floated right away, huh? Well, I’m sorry that happened sir, but as I mentioned before we… what’s that sir? …do we have any bags on sale?…we’re really not at liberty to make sales Mr. Esposito this is a Help line and… I’d transfer you but the sales team has gone home for the night….Used bags sir?…No, we don’t deal in refurbished bags. A new bag? I suppose I could sell you a new bag, but we don’t normally…the price? Our cheapest bag runs $49.99…No we don’t offer a senior citizens discount Mr. Esposito. You want to call back? Alright sir I’ll be here all night.

how to make colostomy bags
Thank you for calling the Colostomy Bag Hotline my name is Devon how can I help you? Hello again Mr. Esposito. Did you want me to put in the order for the…what’s that? It’s spilling out on to the floor?…OK sir don’t panic. Do you have a bucket? Ok…do you have a Wonder Bread Bag? You do? Alright, attach the bag to the tube… have you got it? No, remove the bread first Mr. Esposito. It’s already attached? Then leave the bread in the…No don’t take it off…Mr. Esposito? Mr. Esposito?

How do you know when a boy wants to pee?
See the pulling taffy dance. The first part, the first part!

what if child draws picture of genetalia
Put it on the refrigerator

poem about getting teeth knocked out in
This is the only one I could find. It’s a Haiku called “Getting My Teeth Knocked In” – I hope this is what you were looking for:

Should have taken No
For an answer plus she said
She had a boyfriend

urine looking like iced tea
I’m really not that surprised that this post registers with this search phrase

porn on a budget
This is by far my favorite one. If this was a reality show on HGTV I would never miss an episode. They’ve got 24 hours and $100 to make a legitimate porn. The last 10 minutes every week are appointment television.

So, what bizarre terms and phrases are used to find your blog? And do they come with fries?


12 thoughts on “Can You Catch Crabs From A Horse? Only If it Throws them Underhand.

  1. That was a rather interesting read. Thanks for sharin’ the off the wall searches. Gieco massage…here lizard, lizard.

    Apparently it’s my popped rib post that keeps getting stumbled upon. “Worst pain I’ve felt in a while.” One search was “felt in a while”…well what have you felt my dear searcher? Or haven’t? I really don’t wanna know!

  2. spillmama: This time? Try every time.

    Chag: Haven’t gotten snipped yet… wait..did I say yet?

    thebutton: Those really weren’t the worst searches on my blog either. I tried to filter it some….some. haven’t felt in a while? Where do I begin?

    Sarcastic mom: Try the wonderbread bag. They’re surprisingly durable.

    the byrd: HA! That’s funny. Didn’t realize Mapplethorpe was a brand of appliance?

  3. Darren: And I left some of the really offensive ones off. I actually lost 4 subscribers the day after I posted this. I may rethink a repeat of this idea in the future.

  4. Mary: I use wordpress and the stats are an option on the dashboard control panel thingy. One day I looked at search terms and was shocked, disgusted and inspired to share it with the world.

  5. How did I not find your blog sooner? You are hilarious!

    I get alot of searches for breastfeeding sex videos (don’t ask me I don’t know why) and breastfeeding animals (again, I don’t know why). People are odd.

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