Hepatitis C, Mary Jane’s Jiggles and When I Lost My Virginity

famfeud.jpgJack turned 5 years old a few weeks ago and at his garishly over-the-top Spiderman Themed party aside from developing a sudden and acute allergic reaction to latex balloons that caused his lips to puff worse than Jessica Simpson’s in the recovery room of a Hollywood Collagen Clinic, he also received a king’s ransom of Spiderman-related gifts toys, games, clothing and activity books. Initially, this wasn’t going to be the gist of this post, but since I brought up the topic I think I’ll first address what an over-exposed commercial shill the web-slinger has become and the ludicrously nonsensical crap that is being passed off to our kids as legitimate playthings.

Among the thoughtful gifts Jack was given were:

1) The Spiderman Bump & Go 4-wheel Quad Running Dune Buggy. Aside from already having one of these that Jack used to give Adam his first haircut, can someone tell me why Spiderman needs a 4-wheel dune buggy? Was there a “Spiderman: The Baywatch Years” I’m not aware of? “My Spidey Sense is tingling. Either someone’s drowning or I caught Hepatitis C.”

2) Some sort of Matchbox car launcher in the shape of Spiderman’s secret devil sign web shooting hand formation that launches the car towards a grotesquely oversized head of Venom whose mouth is agape with in a shit-eating sneer and rows of razor sharp teeth. If the car can successfully navigate an aerial path through the lips and past the gums and is able to then travel across the tongue, avoiding the soft palate and hopefully suppressing the gag reflex essentially deep throating Venom, the top of Venom’s head explodes into two separate pieces. This incidentally is sexually consistent with what I imagined happened during sex until I turned 19 when I learned that the head actually explodes into a million little pieces if done correctly. It’s critical to mention that the car launcher is operated by slamming your hand down on a red button like an over-enthusiastic Family Feud contestant. 100 people were surveyed: Did Bill just admit to complete strangers he was 19 years old when he lost his virginity? BUZZZZZZ. Yes. Survey says….. that’s the number one answer.

3) The Spiderman Dart Blaster with suction tipped darts that stick to walls, windows and human cornea. According the box the Dart Blaster has launching dart action and should never be aimed at someone’s eyes. Right, because it’s only when you aim at someone’s eyes that you will hit someone in the eye. The box enigmatically also has “Ready. Load. Launch. Call Ophthalmologist.” printed on it. Mixed messages? You decide.

4) The Classic game of Operation but with Spiderman. Unlike the classic game that had The Adam’s Apple, Water on the Knee and Butterflies in the Stomach this version has a Crook in the Neck, Webbed Feet and Mary Jane’s Jitters (Which Jack insists is Mary Jane’s jiggles and that’s just fine with me. Jiggle all you want Mary Jane) It takes a steady hand, as well as a physician participating within the network.

5) Finally, Jack received about a half dozen Amazing Spiderman Coloring and Activity Books. They are essentially what they sound like, hundreds of pages of coloring, cracking secret message codes, drawing challenges, Spiderman Sudoko, word scrambles, tic-tac-toe, puzzles, and crosswords featuring Spiderman and the villains you all love to hate like Doc Oc, Green Goblin, Michael Vick, Sandman, George Bush and Venom. Most importantly though the books have mazes; pages and pages of mazes which finally brings me back to the reason I started this little ditty in the first place.

Jack loves the mazes and is actually pretty good at getting through them without too much back tracking. However, some of the more challenging mazes have three possible starting points which means if you guess the wrong starting point you’ll hit a dead end and have to start over. After two mazes in a row that featured the dreaded triumvirate of starting lines Jack turned the page, threw down his crayon and uttered a phrase I have never heard used by anyone and one I can only imagine he will never say again:

“Oh man, not another three-way!”

Straight-faced I asked him, “What’s wrong with three-ways Jack?”
“They’re just too hard.” he said in frustration.
“Hey, if they were easy then everyone would do them and everyone isn’t doing them, trust me. Just do your best.” I encouraged him, trying not to laugh.

A minute later he looked up from the book excitedly and yelled, “I did it!”
“I knew you could. How’d you do it?” I asked. He pointed to the page and said proudly, “I used the third entry.”

My head exploded into a million little pieces.

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Probably the most inappropriate picture I could post.

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13 thoughts on “Hepatitis C, Mary Jane’s Jiggles and When I Lost My Virginity

  1. “Oh man, not another three-way!”
    ROFL!! It’s 2am, and I’m waking up people here!

    How could you stand it?
    Be sure to file this entry away for his 16th birthday party.

  2. HAHAHAHA! I’m trying to formulate a comment here, but I’m pretty sure MY head exploded into about ten pieces (because that how women work).

    I can only hope to have moments like this with Amos. I read this to Phil, and we both laughed heartily.

    Excellent job, Gathen… even if it was almost too late to post it.

  3. momisodes: I really couldn’t stand it. I tried not to laugh but it was just too easy.

    Whit: Unfounded paranoia? Or chemically induced? You’ve never gotten the mary jane jiggles though, right? that’s be weird. Hot, but weird.

    imaginarysarah: I was up against the clock and envious of your clever Freaky Friday pictures. I made Phil laugh? Me? and he’s a professional comedian…. comedians hate to laugh at other people’s stuff….well their writing I mean…It’s hard not to laugh at other people’s stuff…well, not hard…difficult I mean. Happy to have provided a respite from the poop riot.

    Lisa: it wasn’t on the final exam either, just one of those wellness days schools like to have. you didn’t miss much.

    Darren: The world needs to know which lifestyles of the rich and famous have resulted in Hep C. I’m merely a humble servant of the people.

  4. “The third entry”… another classic, my friend, awesome post. LMAO!
    I’ll never think about Jack Sparrow, Dorothy and a fairy the same way ever again.

  5. Oh my goodness! I’m glad I didn’t have my bottle of water with me as usual, or I would have snarfed all over my son and my computer screen! Too funny! I’m definately going to drag my hubby over here to read this.

  6. Oh, the first thing I thought of when I read about the Mary Jane jitters/jiggles is that it’s the replacer for the broken heart on the original game and the jiggles would be her chest. Or is my mind in a terrible place late at night?

  7. karen: My head really did explode. I really should take that picture down….but I won’t.

    thebutton: Nope…your mind is exactly where mind was at midnight when I wrote this. It’s supposed to be jitters, but Jack says Jiggles. I too meant her chest…i really can be unnecessarily dirty sometimes. 🙂

  8. When I started reading this, I was reminded of how much I crushed on Spiderman when I was a tot. I mean REALLY. And not the “guy” who was him… but Spidey. I was going to marry him when I grew up. I affectionately called him, “Pidey!”

    And then I laughed my way through your whole post. At the end, thinking of three ways… I was wondering who Pidey would have invited?

    I’m hoping it would have been he who I wouldn’t have liked when he was angry. And Oooohhhh, I’d have been havin’ to make him angry.

    Rawr.

  9. Sarcastic Mom: Sarcastic Mom jiggles? A threeway with Spiderman, hmmmm…Mary Jane and Black Cat? Or maybe just the classic Wonder Woman Cat Woman combo. Or maybe he would have chosen you? Dare to dream….

    I bet you would have made him angry…all like, “what do mean you have another headache?”

  10. Sarcastic Mom: Sarcastic Mom jiggles? A threeway with Spiderman, hmmmm…Mary Jane and Black Cat? Or maybe just the classic Wonder Woman Cat Woman combo. Or maybe he would have chosen you? Dare to dream….

    I bet you would have made him angry…all like, “what do mean you have another headache?”

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