Jack turned 5 years old a few weeks ago and at his garishly over-the-top Spiderman Themed party aside from developing a sudden and acute allergic reaction to latex balloons that caused his lips to puff worse than Jessica Simpson’s in the recovery room of a Hollywood Collagen Clinic, he also received a king’s ransom of Spiderman-related gifts toys, games, clothing and activity books. Initially, this wasn’t going to be the gist of this post, but since I brought up the topic I think I’ll first address what an over-exposed commercial shill the web-slinger has become and the ludicrously nonsensical crap that is being passed off to our kids as legitimate playthings.
Among the thoughtful gifts Jack was given were:
1) The Spiderman Bump & Go 4-wheel Quad Running Dune Buggy. Aside from already having one of these that Jack used to give Adam his first haircut, can someone tell me why Spiderman needs a 4-wheel dune buggy? Was there a “Spiderman: The Baywatch Years” I’m not aware of? “My Spidey Sense is tingling. Either someone’s drowning or I caught Hepatitis C.”
2) Some sort of Matchbox car launcher in the shape of Spiderman’s secret devil sign web shooting hand formation that launches the car towards a grotesquely oversized head of Venom whose mouth is agape with in a shit-eating sneer and rows of razor sharp teeth. If the car can successfully navigate an aerial path through the lips and past the gums and is able to then travel across the tongue, avoiding the soft palate and hopefully suppressing the gag reflex essentially deep throating Venom, the top of Venom’s head explodes into two separate pieces. This incidentally is sexually consistent with what I imagined happened during sex until I turned 19 when I learned that the head actually explodes into a million little pieces if done correctly. It’s critical to mention that the car launcher is operated by slamming your hand down on a red button like an over-enthusiastic Family Feud contestant. 100 people were surveyed: Did Bill just admit to complete strangers he was 19 years old when he lost his virginity? BUZZZZZZ. Yes. Survey says….. that’s the number one answer.
3) The Spiderman Dart Blaster with suction tipped darts that stick to walls, windows and human cornea. According the box the Dart Blaster has launching dart action and should never be aimed at someone’s eyes. Right, because it’s only when you aim at someone’s eyes that you will hit someone in the eye. The box enigmatically also has “Ready. Load. Launch. Call Ophthalmologist.” printed on it. Mixed messages? You decide.
4) The Classic game of Operation but with Spiderman. Unlike the classic game that had The Adam’s Apple, Water on the Knee and Butterflies in the Stomach this version has a Crook in the Neck, Webbed Feet and Mary Jane’s Jitters (Which Jack insists is Mary Jane’s jiggles and that’s just fine with me. Jiggle all you want Mary Jane) It takes a steady hand, as well as a physician participating within the network.
5) Finally, Jack received about a half dozen Amazing Spiderman Coloring and Activity Books. They are essentially what they sound like, hundreds of pages of coloring, cracking secret message codes, drawing challenges, Spiderman Sudoko, word scrambles, tic-tac-toe, puzzles, and crosswords featuring Spiderman and the villains you all love to hate like Doc Oc, Green Goblin, Michael Vick, Sandman, George Bush and Venom. Most importantly though the books have mazes; pages and pages of mazes which finally brings me back to the reason I started this little ditty in the first place.
Jack loves the mazes and is actually pretty good at getting through them without too much back tracking. However, some of the more challenging mazes have three possible starting points which means if you guess the wrong starting point you’ll hit a dead end and have to start over. After two mazes in a row that featured the dreaded triumvirate of starting lines Jack turned the page, threw down his crayon and uttered a phrase I have never heard used by anyone and one I can only imagine he will never say again:
“Oh man, not another three-way!”
Straight-faced I asked him, “What’s wrong with three-ways Jack?”
“They’re just too hard.” he said in frustration.
“Hey, if they were easy then everyone would do them and everyone isn’t doing them, trust me. Just do your best.” I encouraged him, trying not to laugh.
A minute later he looked up from the book excitedly and yelled, “I did it!”
“I knew you could. How’d you do it?” I asked. He pointed to the page and said proudly, “I used the third entry.”
My head exploded into a million little pieces.
Probably the most inappropriate picture I could post.