One Flew East, One Flew West, Daylight Savings I Detest

cuckoosnest1.jpgYesterday, while childless heathens across the United States were nestling ever-deeper into the warmth of their childless beds, pulling their covers ever-closer to their smug chins and reveling in the circadian aftershocks of William Willett’s tireless advocacy of later tee times, Sunday morning in the psychiatric ward of our mental hospital began an hour earlier than usual because you simply can’t turn back the Combine of a child’s internal clock.

So, at a couple minutes before 7:00 am on Sunday morning Kathleen and I sat slumped over the dining room table in the common area of our institution, chronics in a vegetative state, our lifeless hands wrapped around our coffee mugs, sections of the Sunday Paper opened ornamentally in front of our thousand-yard stares.

Before I could even finish my first cup of dark roast or even garner enough indignant energy to launch into my compulsory and always relevant Sunday morning comics-induced tirade about how Bill Keane of Family Circus notoriety needs to be humanely put out of his misery like a horse with a broken leg, the inmates assumed control of the asylum.

 

jack_couch.jpg
I bet in one week, I can put a bug so far up her ass, she don’t know whether to shit or wind her wristwatch.

Light jazz be-bopped on the radio in the kitchen and both boys wandered the downstairs in their sanitarium issue pajamas. Adam stumbled laps around the kitchen, living room, dining room loop screaming and slapping madly at the air in front on him with both hands. He paused his pointless circuit to dance and twirl in the kitchen to a particularly rhythmic Charlie Parker solo before abruptly detouring to the table to chew on pieces of dry toast.

Jack meanwhile ran around with a dish towel cape tucked into his shirt like a taupe popcorn textured Superman (Of course I believe you’re Superman Mr. Reeves now please come down from the windowsill and eat your breakfast.) His heroic lunacy crippled when another inmate, while soiling his diaper, did deep knee bends, repeatedly turned the television on and off and smuggled bottles of liquor and two prostitute girlfriends onto the ward for a party. Jack’s palpable distress manifested itself in a weeping, thumb sucking, deep sea fishing trip organizing, fetal positioned puddle in the bottom of a cardboard box in the activity lounge.

By 9:00am, and after several failed attempts to cop a feel on Nurse Ratched, the bedlam had climaxed to such a precarious level that I ripped the hydrotherapy pedestal from the tub room, threw it through the window and escaped to the gym for a couple hours.

In my absence Adam was given a La-bottle-my and Jack, the Clockwork Orange Eyes Propped Open Electro-Shock Television Conditioning Therapy Treatment, or in other words, PBS Sunday morning programming.; and by the time I returned home the inmates were heavily medicated and the tenor of the ward had changed from psychotic to subdued.

Enough of this turning back the clocks bullshit I say. I propose that Daylight Savings Time should be optional for parents with children 5 years old and younger. Furthermore, I propose that children 5 years old and younger should be optional to parents with children 5 years old and younger. But why stop there? Instead of losing and hour why not give parents with kids 5 years old and younger an extra hour each day to whatever they want; sleeping, showering, bird-doggin’ chicks, bangin’ beaver.

None of this is going to happen is it? We’re still falling back an hour aren’t we?

But I tried, didn’t I? Goddamn it. At least I did that.

adam_sleep.jpg
Jesus, I must be crazy to be in a loony-bin like this.

(5 Days in to NaBloPoMo and I feel like Roberto Duran begging for mercy from Sugar Ray Leonard. No mas, No Mas. 5 Days and I’m all NoMoNaBloPoMo! If this is my day 5 material, day 25 is going to be a drinking bird repeatedly tapping the letter Y on the keyboard a la King Size Homer episode on The Simpsons. Vent Radioactive Gas? Y. Decalcify calcium ducts? Y. Write incredible lame post? Y.)

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18 thoughts on “One Flew East, One Flew West, Daylight Savings I Detest

  1. You are by far one of my fav’s from NaBloPoMo yo!

    I could not agree more with “Daylight Savings Time should be optional for parents with children 5 years old and younger.” Where do I go to vote for that?

    Our monster did the same on Sunday. We use the PBS therapy regularly to subdue her psychotic fits as well.

  2. For those exercising the option to ixnay DST, I say, enjoy that sunrise peeking through your kid’s bedroom window at 4:31 a.m. in July.

    (I would think a couple of days of time change adjustment beat a whole summer of “I don’t CARE how light it is, it’s the freaking middle of the night, so go back to bed.”)

    In other more pressing matters, how does resetting the atomic clock?

  3. If this is a “lame post,” then I am in some deep doodoo with my writing. Your flagrant and superfluous use of language is putting me to shame.

    Also, no more comments from me until you stop stalking and start commenting on mine. Nah nah nahnah nah. That’s how I roll, cuz.

  4. momisodes: You just like me for my handlebar mustache. Vote Referendum 8AM at the polls today to eliminate DST for Parents with children under 5. Vote Early and often.

    Tara: The atomic clock reset itself. Go Figure? I’m myopic and short-sighted. I only see the here and now, can’t think of 4:31 am wake-up calls in the summer. Must sleep today.

    Lisa: You say that now, but day 17 post on what’s on television right now may change your mind. That being said, thanks for kudos and the props.

    Imaginary Sarah: Fine, I’ll stop stalking. The language usage masks the lack of substance and also make me feel smart. Like I know stuff, stuff like big words.

    Bee: I’m in on the dark pact. do I have to sign in blood? I’m already pricked my finger, I suppose that’s better than fingering….(I can’t bring myself to type it.)

  5. Given that I ALSO have a 5 year old and a 20-month-old, we should do consecutive rounds of shots until the day ends.

    Or move to Arizona where they “just don’t do that.”

  6. I’m game. What’s yer’ poison? I’m not a shot guy per say, but the invitation is a tough one to turn down. I say we just buy a bottle of JD and get started….or do the Arizona thing. I’m down with that too.

  7. My wee one slept better the first few days of DST, like nearly 5 hour stretches. Now I’m back to 2 or maybe, just maybe 3 hours. I totally feel ya in the lack of sleep department.

    Your post was not lame at all. Once again, you get a giggle out of me at 1:40am. You have a gift with your humor. Don’t give up just yet!

  8. “Furthermore, I propose that children 5 years old and younger should be optional to parents with children 5 years old and younger.”

    Has there ever been a better proposal? Oh wait, YES:

    “Instead of losing and hour why not give parents with kids 5 years old and younger an extra hour each day to whatever they want; sleeping, showering, bird-doggin’ chicks, bangin’ beaver.”

    You are a freaking GENIUS.

  9. thebutton: How you can do anything other than stumble around bumping into things at 1:40 in the AM is beyond me. Let alone find the focus and energy to read my post and think it’s funny. You are a saint.

    Sarcastic Mom: Freaking genius is a little strong. Bird-doggin’ chicks has been around for centuries. I didn’t invent it, I’m just an advocate. A passionate advocate. Bangin’ Beaver on the other hand I did invent.

  10. It’s called being over tired, where you’re just too dang tired to really sleep. Which is good since being up at all hours of the night with the little one helps me be able to get the lil’ squirt back to sleep.

  11. Daylight savings his stupid for everyone, we don’t farm in America anymore. Do we?

    My kids have been getting up at 6:30 now too and I don’t like it. No, Sir, I don’t like it.

  12. thebutton: too tired to sleep? That’s damn tired! I’m usually just too tired to wake-up.

    whit: No…we just pay farmers not to grow anything. I don’t like it either, not one bit. (DST and diminished farming)

  13. Hmmm, yes, here in Oz every state but Queensland has Daylight Savings and has just switched over – we don’t have it ‘coz it “will fade the curtains”. Yes, that was a legitimate argument from people who opposed DS – what the…? My two year old thinks 4.30am is “daytime” because of the chink of light through the curtains, whereas 5.30am might just be manageable, and as you know, two year olds don’t know how to “shh” when the seven month old is still sleeping! Good luck with the eating and sleeping issues – same here!

  14. mitchmolk: Fade the curtains? That’s fantastic. They really never learn the “shhh” whenthe baby is sleeping. Our 5 year old still forgets. Good luck to you too with the sleeping. Pull those curtains tight.

  15. Pingback: A Sealy Posturepedic Bumper Crop and Adam’s First Haircut « Make it a Double

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