Milton Berle Must Have Loved Apple Picking

apple-pick.jpgWhen I’m leaving work each evening I call home to let Kathleen know that I’m on my way and that dinner had damn well better be on the table when I get there.

Or in other words I call to thank Kathleen for finding time between changing diapers and training Adam to toddle these diapers into the kitchen where he disposes of them in the garbage pail under the sink , bringing the boys to doctor’s appointments where Jack screams like Janet Leigh in the shower anytime the nurse approaches him with a needle, getting the boys and herself dressed sometimes multiple times during the day, sending Jack off to kindergarten and calling the bus garage yet again to have the bus return to the house after the driver forgets to pick Jack up despite Jack him standing on the porch with his backpack , straightening up the house, doing the laundry, unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming the carpets, washing the kitchen floor, getting Jack off the bus from school, taking Jack out for bike rides, taking Adam out for walks and somehow retaining her ever-loving sanity (to name a dozen or so of the 1000 things she does during an average day) to actually prepare dinner for the family.

She does this I assume because she loves me, pities me or because she knows that otherwise I’d be eating day old sushi from Price Chopper, Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and cans of Campbell’s New England Clam Chowder.

Anyway, Jack will normally answer the phone which gives me a chance to ask him about his day. The other day when I called Jack answered the phone:

Hello. Who is this please?

Hello Jack it’s Daddy.

Hi Daddy.

How was school today Jack?

It was good Daddy. We went on a Feel Trip and we went apple picking.

A Feel Trip Apple Picking, huh? Did you have fun?

Yeah but I didn’t like the trees. They had big pricks on them?

(Where did they take you, Boogie Nights Orchards?)

Wait, what? They had what on them?

The trees had pricks on them Daddy and one of them stuck me I the hand.

(That’s either a Salvador Dali painting or The Johnny Appleseed Story starring John Holmes)
Do you mean the trees had prickers on them and you got one stuck in your hand?

Yeah, they had big pricks and now I have a big prick.

(To hell with these penis enlargement emails I keep getting, I’m going apple picking.)

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